Lies. Lies. Lies. Oh, Lies.

Years ago, I wrote a series of blog posts about my Irrational Fears
{You can read them here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7}

I have always been one who is planning an escape route in each room I enter {you know, just in case} or texting a friend if I'm one of only two or three people in a movie theater {for fear that I might be garroted or abducted--my friend will have a description of the stranger in the theater and, thus, a starting point for the police} or crying on my first day {of junior high, high school, working at Mariners, working on a new team at Mariners} afraid that no one would want to eat lunch with me. {This is for reals...and I probably need to look in to why this is such an issue for me.}

But even with all of that ridiculousness, I would not have labeled myself a fearful person.
Until I started to consider just how many of my daily actions are fear-based.

Not sharing a story about where I saw God move because it might not be as good as I think it is.

Not speaking up in a meeting for fear of looking stupid.

Changing my clothes for a third time because I may have too many colors, too many patterns, look too unkempt for an all-staff meeting day.

Not taking a lunch because I'm afraid that, since that morning meeting ran long, I might appear to have not done any real work today.

And these are just the shallow fears.
{We've got 356 days left for me to get really vulnerable with you.}

I'm realizing that I operate in fear so much more than I would like to believe...or admit.
I'm also realizing that fear is so restricting...and squelching...and exhausting.

And yet.
I'm still caught up in it.
I cried twice today over the same insecurities, fears and lies that I have fought since adolescence -- those that have voices that are way too loud for my own good. Those that contradict so much of what I know to be true of who I am.

And yet.
Chances are, I'll fight those same things over and over again, for years.


But, I'm fighting.
Each day, a little more.

And I'm not alone in the fight: I have some great friends who shout louder than my lies.
Which is, in many ways, more comforting than a friend with starting information for the cops.