God and I are in a bit of a stand-off. Yes, I know this is silly. Yes, I know I will be the one to back down. Yes, I get the irony of playing chicken with an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-loving, Creator, Father, and Friend. Nonetheless, here I stand, with my arms folded, a scowl on my face, kicking and screaming and throwing a nice little temper tantrum.
Needless to say, this stand-off has put my first Project 365 goal on hold. For the past week I have not been pressing to know Him more, in fact I've been doing everything I can to get away from Him. There's no need to be nervous for me- this isn't my first rebellion, and I do know how it ends, but I thought I would share a little of where I'm at right now.
Hearing God's voice hasn't been a problem for me in almost 10 years. After experiencing a significant "dark night of the soul", it's all I can do to shut out the sound of His voice. It's always there, whispering, guiding, convicting, celebrating, reminding me of what's true and calling me to what's next. It's that last part that I'm really struggling with right now. There are a lot of "nexts" on the horizon for me, "nexts" that I've sensed coming for a while now, and I'm terrified. I'm scared that I don't have the capacity for all that He's inviting me into. I'm scared I will disappoint or under deliver. And I'm resistant to embrace the good things He has ahead of me when I'm not done being mad at the crappy stuff that I've just gotten past. Ultimately, I believe that God is good. I believe in His plan, and I believe in His calling on my life, and that whatever these "nexts" are, they are a part of that plan and that calling. But I don't want God to be good right now. I want him to be a jerk that deserves my anger and bitterness. I want to feel justified in blaming Him for my pain. And so... we're in a standoff.
Ironically, it's my faith in God's goodness that gives me the freedom to be so stubborn and belligerent. I know and believe that God is waiting for me. I know that He is smiling, biding His time until I break down and come to Him, ready to hear all that He has to tell me and receive all of the comfort and peace that He has to give me; I'm just not ready yet. This verse in Isaiah has been a consistent source of grace during these rebellions of mine:
So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help. Isaiah 30:18
It helps remind me of the God who is waiting for me on the other side of surrender, and makes laying down my arms a little less scary. Today, it reminded me that I may actually need His help to come back to Him- that I can't do it on my own. I'm not ready to surrender today- I've still got some sass that's rearing it's ugly head in God's direction, but when I am ready, I'm glad I know what I'll be coming back to.
My dear sweet Cathi. I hear you. I wish I could help. But having been where you are, I know it's a solitary journey [from our viewpoint]. It's just that He is standing very close, with his hand extended toward you, wanting you to put yours in His. No one [here] can help you do that, except His loving gaze. He who died for you, He who sees you out of that dying love and wants you to embrace it. Let go, fall into His arms. Shed your self, be rid of it. Cry into His shoulder, He wants to comfort you and remake you into His completed child. I love you and will pray for your journey ! ! !
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