outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow

I started weight watchers today.
I have done weight watchers before and had success.  Truth is, I have done every program in the book, every fad, every treatment, every kind of food and every kind of option that I am aware exists.
But it's not a food issue at it's core, only at the surface.
It's a heart/head issue.  One in which I have a lot mixed up truths and lies about life and the world and reality and normal.
I have lived most of my life being told to "hold it in", that started at 5 years old in the middle of Mervyn's; or being told that I would not be liked by the "right" boys if I was not thinner; or being told that I was doing great when I stopped eating in the 11th grade.  I had to give inventory of everything I ate from the second I left the house until moment I returned when I went to my father's for the weekend and if I couldn't remember was told I was lying.  There were tears shed when I crossed the 100 pound threshold and told it was embarrassing.  Even after I went to college there were conversations in which I was asked what was wrong with me and why did I pay for a gym membership when it was obvious I wasn't using it. 
So, when I eat now, when I have eaten for the last 10 years, I eat to shut that voice down.  I eat to prove that I can and will eat what ever the hell I damn well please.  I eat because it tastes good and because my inner five year old, and 11 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, and 20 year old is so hurt and angry and sad and frustrated and confused and bitter. 
But all of that has to go now.  With Jesus' help that all has to go now.
I am 35.  I am 35 outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow. 
And I am loved and I am valuable, I am courageous and I am worthy.
And I started weight watchers because it meets all kinds of needs I have, at least today.
I love going to a meeting and getting unconditional positive regard from the gal at the scale, whether I lose or gain, she is nice and gentle and encouraging.  I love going and losing because they give me a gold star.  Not figuratively, they really give me a gold star.  And my inner five year old LOVES that little gold star.  When there is a bigger accomplishment they give me ribbons and magnets.  And I love that and I need that.
During the week I get to check box for all the water I am, in all sincerity, happily drinking.
And I get to learn, because I really want to learn, what is good and appropriate and how to balance and how to be good at this.
Good at "this"?
I don't know that I know what "this" is entirely, but I am going to figure it out.
P365, you slay me.  It was supposed to be about water and RAK's.  But here you are, a place for me to find that when I accomplish the tiniest of goals, I am challenged set bigger ones.  For today, that is to be kind to myself.  Not so random, but kindness, nevertheless.

Where do you need to be kind to yourself?