Wrestling!*

This week has been full of wrestling. Not actual wrestling--though that would fit the Be Active portion of my P365--but mental wrestling. The kind that has been spinning around and around the same topic over and over and over...usually ending with me in tears...both tears of joy and tears of frustration.

I can't seem to get a handle on my identity. Like who I am, really. What or who defines me.

I think--I mean, I'm pretty sure--I knew this at one point, but for some reason I'm learning it all over again.

Right now, I am so caught up in meeting the expectations of others. And therein lies the problem.

More often than not these expectations that I am fighting to meet are not only unspoken, but are also figments of my self-criticizing imagination. I battle the voice in my head {maybe even in my gut} that says I'm not enough: not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not experienced enough {...} to be. in this meeting, in this relationship, in this job, in this friendship {...}

My goodness.

In my worst moments, the thought-process stops here. I drown in my own chaos...and it's really all in my head.

In my better moments {which, thankfully, are more frequent} I'm choosing to wrestle.

These thoughts will. not. win.

In those moments, I fight to remember the things I really want to define me.

When it comes right down to it, I want to be known for three things:
1. Loving God
2. Living in such a way that demonstrates that I believe--to the depths of my core--how much He loves me.
3. Caring for others in a way that shows them how much He loves them, too.

When I can get a grasp on this, I end up in tears of joy. Joy over how much God's love covers all of these shortcomings, how much He grieves over my pain and lack of belief in who He created me to be, over His willingness to fight alongside me to help me to become the full and healthy me.

And so, I keep wrestling...and, thankfully, not on my own strength.

Where in your life are those "voices" winning? How can you take one step toward fighting them with truth today?

*When I say the title of this post, I hear the 0:59 mark of THIS video.