I Want To Ride My Bicycle

For Christmas, my grandparents surprised me with a check. {They had donated to charity: water in my name, so I had not expected anything during the gift exchange.} 

In the sweetest grandparent way, they apologized that it wasn't much, but I was almost in tears because I knew exactly what this unexpected money would go to--and it wasn't going to be bills! {Eat it, Dave Ramsey!} 

I bought myself a bike!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my fears. One of my greatest--and deepest--fears is the fear of breaking my neck. It was instilled in me from a young age that e v e r y t h i n g had the potential to cause a neck injury: sitting backward in a chair, climbing on the fountain at the mall, and definitely--without exception--riding a bike without a helmet.

I can't explain to you what it did to my insides when I thought about taking this bike out for a spin and not having a helmet. I really can't explain how it felt when I thought about having to call my dad and explain that I rode my bike without a helmet. "Oh, Danielle!" he would exclaim {He calls me by my middle name.}

But, you guys, here I am: conquering my ding dang fears. {Even though those fears are justified by some cold, hard facts, if you ask me.}

So, here's a picture of me from Monday afternoon. Preparing to ride my bike--sans helmet--through the streets. 

I mean, dudes: I even stood on my pedals a few times during this ride. I know, I know, I'm living on the edge.

A little bike help: spokey dokes or playing cards? A wicker basket or a wooden crate? I already have a bell, is it too much to have a bike horn, too?

Praying for Strangers

I think my favorite commitment for Project 365 is praying for others. In light of my recent battle with God, praying for others has been a way for me to talk to God without having to address my stuff (I know, I know... I'll get there eventually). I love praying for my friends and co-workers, taking the time to really consider their needs and the unique situations each are facing. And when I have the time, I love sending a little note in the mail to let that person know I've been praying (an idea inspired by Allison). 

While I find great satisfaction and joy in praying for the people I love, this Sunday at our church's worship night, I had the distinct privilege of praying with and for some complete strangers. As people were invited to come forward for prayer, I let down my armor for a moment and asked God to use me in spite of our little stand off. Thankfully, He obliged, and I was able to pray with a handful of strangers. I heard stories of brokenness and fear. I heard requests for clarity and peace moving into an uncertain future. I held hands that were soaked with tears and trembling from the pain of life. Knowing little more than a first name and a minute long synopsis of their story, together we turned to God in prayer. 

Because Mariners is a fairly large church spread over 4 campuses, the likelihood that I will encounter these people again is slim at best. I will probably never hear how they experienced God's answer to these prayers, or even what coming forward that night did in their hearts. But I can say what it did in my heart. Holding the hands of those strangers, coming together before the same God to ask for peace, clarity, hope, comfort, and healing on their behalf, believing with everything in me that He wants to hear and receive those prayers for those people... well, it reminded me that He wants to hear and receive those prayers from me too. Suddenly, I was face to face with a compassionate God who loves to redeem and restore the broken places in our lives, if only we would let Him in. And that's as true for me as it is for those strangers. 

I'm still not quite there. I'm still wrestling with some of these issues, laying the groundwork for the inevitable surrender that's to come...but I do know it's coming. And I'm a little less mad about it...

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

time study

My first semester of college I had to take this one unit class that was every day for the first week of school.  Every freshman had to take it.  It was at 8a.  Good thing is was freshman year, before I learned that 8 am was an insane hour to have a class.
I remember the class vividly.  The prof was a sharply dressed man in his sixties, perfectly manicured grey/silver beard, round spectacles in tortoise shell.  He asked us to do a time study for the week.  We had to use a chart to color in blocks of time for class, work, and any other commitments.  The goal of his lesson was to give us the visual of unused blocks of time.  And his big message, "Those are the times you block out to study, do homework, write papers, research, and any other class load requirements."  Picture him smiling and clapping his hands on each of the above stated words. 
Studiously I put together my chart, turned it in and received it back with an A. 
The only other thing I remember from that class was a girl that shared emphatically that anyone who travels by bus has no excuse to be late just because they take the bus.  I hear her voice clear as a bell, "Get up earlier, don't be lazy!"  Someone in her world clearly needed to be pressing snooze a few less times.  I hope that worked out for her.
Anyway, fifteen years later, I still approach my schedule this way. 
Well, this is a new year.  I have new boss.  I have new personal goals.  I won't jump ship on the schedule altogether, as it does work for me, but I have been intentional this week for some of those blocks of time to allot for less doing and more being.  Time to reflect, time to dream, write, sketch out ideas and outlines. Take in the spaces and people I am around for what they are and who they are. 
Thank you professor guy for this skill of planning.  Grateful to be using it in a new, unexpected and hopefully productive way.

In other news...
I'm over this cough/cold already. 
I am grateful for my newest Nike Training app. 
I am sad about the doctor that was shot at offices affiliated with Hoag today. 
I am thankful for my husband.
I am hopeful about my health priorities; especially having lost 5 pounds this week. w00t!
I am tired of the competition between great tv and great books.
I am a big fan of all that is to come in the next 90 days.
And, I am still certain that I have more to do in the rest of my life than I can comprehend, but I know God's got it.

xo

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart..

....I'm glad for what I have, that's an easy way to start!

This is the chorus of a Veggie Tales song that has been spinning in my head all week (lets forget the fact that I know the words to a song from a video for five year olds and move on).  As I've been practicing being intentionally thankful everyday I'm starting to see that Bob the Tomato and his BFF Larry the Cucumber sure know what they are talking about. 

It isn't that I had a bad week.  It was pretty good as far as weeks go, it was a little busier than I would have liked, and not great.  I just felt kind of "blah".

So I started making lists of things that I was thankful for. Just two or three things everyday. Some of them were big things, like being able to talk to my sister about my life; and some of them were small and silly like apple sauce in a handy little pouch.  I didn't write a song about them or anything, I'm not that talented, but I was truly thankful for all of them.  And as the week progressed I noticed that my attitude did as well.  Not only was I thankful, I was happy.

Well done Bob and Larry.  Well done.

The Thankfulness Song

I thank God for this day,

For the sun in the sky,

For my mom and my dad,

For my piece of apple pie!

For our home on the ground,

For his love that's all around,

That's why I say thanks every day!

Because a Thankful heart is a happy heart!

I'm glad for what I have,

That's an easy way to start!

For the love that He shares,

'Cause He listens to my prayers,

That's why I say thanks every day!

What would your "Thankfulness Song" today say?

Ice Cream and Brussels Sprouts

While talking to a friend on Thursday, I told her that I'd like my life to be like ice cream.

She was slightly puzzled, so I went on: I have this picture in my head, I said, of a little girl walking in a neighborhood, wearing a summer dress, eating an ice cream cone.

Most days I want my life to feel like that: ice cream is so easy. You buy it, open it and eat it. So cinchy and so tasty.

But, the more I thought about it, I'm not sure that's the way I want my life to be.

I might want it to be more like brussels sprouts.

No kid likes brussels sprouts...I mean, I didn't like them until this year. {Seriously, until 2013. And I didn't know it was plural brussels sprouts until writing this post!}

They begin pretty gross: covered in dirt, some of the leaves have tiny holes in them where they've been eaten away by insects, the stems are uneven and pretty much inedible. They need to be washed, trimmed, maybe peeled a bit, sliced, seasoned and broiled, before they are something that I'm not bummed to be eating.

You see where I'm going with this, right?
I'd still like to spell it out, if that's okay...mostly because I think it's beneficial for my heart.

I think I am more like these sprouts. I'm messy, covered in dirt and tiny holes that have developed over the years. I have pieces that need to be trimmed and peeled away--some need to be completely hacked off. I'll go through hurts and joys and tests and celebrations and failures...and I totally believe that I will be better for it. {read John 15.} I firmly hope and trust that I will look more and more like Jesus with each day.

So, yeah. In theory, I want to have a life that's pre-packaged mint chocolate chip.
But I am so much better off as a broiled brussels sprout.

Farm Fresh

Not unlike many of you, for me this New Year brought a renewed commitment to health. Nestling nicely under the "Becoming Myself" category of Project 365, I'm aiming to weigh less, move more, and ultimately make choices that are more respectful of the body I have and the earth I live on. The specifics of this goal are to cut out as many processed foods and replace them with fresh fruits and vegetables. The problem I've always run into is on the shopping side of things. I buy too much and inevitably forget to factor in all of the meals away from home, leaving me with a ton of rotting produce.

But now, that's not a problem. Two years ago I came across this incredible produce delivery program while I was in the San Francisco Ferry Building: Farm Fresh To You. This incredible service delivers fresh, organic produce right to your door, specific to the season and to your personal preferences. You determine how much and how often you receive your delivery, and their wide array produce packages makes it easy to find the best one to meet your needs. Plus, they provide you with recipe ideas for those unique seasonal fruits and vegetables that you might otherwise not know what to do with.

Do I sound like an advertisement? I swear- I have no affiliation or incentive to push this company, other than my love for it. I love that I have fresh food from local farms delivered right to my door every other Thursday. I love not having to go to the store and gambling on whether I'll eat enough apples to justify buying the bulk bag just to get the discount. I love trying new foods that I would never buy off the shelf. And I love the idea that I'm doing something good for the economy, good for the environment, and good for myself all at a pretty low cost.

Farm Fresh To You isn't the only program like this, but it's definitely one that I recommend. If you have any good veggie recipes- I'd love to hear them!

outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow

I started weight watchers today.
I have done weight watchers before and had success.  Truth is, I have done every program in the book, every fad, every treatment, every kind of food and every kind of option that I am aware exists.
But it's not a food issue at it's core, only at the surface.
It's a heart/head issue.  One in which I have a lot mixed up truths and lies about life and the world and reality and normal.
I have lived most of my life being told to "hold it in", that started at 5 years old in the middle of Mervyn's; or being told that I would not be liked by the "right" boys if I was not thinner; or being told that I was doing great when I stopped eating in the 11th grade.  I had to give inventory of everything I ate from the second I left the house until moment I returned when I went to my father's for the weekend and if I couldn't remember was told I was lying.  There were tears shed when I crossed the 100 pound threshold and told it was embarrassing.  Even after I went to college there were conversations in which I was asked what was wrong with me and why did I pay for a gym membership when it was obvious I wasn't using it. 
So, when I eat now, when I have eaten for the last 10 years, I eat to shut that voice down.  I eat to prove that I can and will eat what ever the hell I damn well please.  I eat because it tastes good and because my inner five year old, and 11 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, and 20 year old is so hurt and angry and sad and frustrated and confused and bitter. 
But all of that has to go now.  With Jesus' help that all has to go now.
I am 35.  I am 35 outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow. 
And I am loved and I am valuable, I am courageous and I am worthy.
And I started weight watchers because it meets all kinds of needs I have, at least today.
I love going to a meeting and getting unconditional positive regard from the gal at the scale, whether I lose or gain, she is nice and gentle and encouraging.  I love going and losing because they give me a gold star.  Not figuratively, they really give me a gold star.  And my inner five year old LOVES that little gold star.  When there is a bigger accomplishment they give me ribbons and magnets.  And I love that and I need that.
During the week I get to check box for all the water I am, in all sincerity, happily drinking.
And I get to learn, because I really want to learn, what is good and appropriate and how to balance and how to be good at this.
Good at "this"?
I don't know that I know what "this" is entirely, but I am going to figure it out.
P365, you slay me.  It was supposed to be about water and RAK's.  But here you are, a place for me to find that when I accomplish the tiniest of goals, I am challenged set bigger ones.  For today, that is to be kind to myself.  Not so random, but kindness, nevertheless.

Where do you need to be kind to yourself?