I Want To Ride My Bicycle

For Christmas, my grandparents surprised me with a check. {They had donated to charity: water in my name, so I had not expected anything during the gift exchange.} 

In the sweetest grandparent way, they apologized that it wasn't much, but I was almost in tears because I knew exactly what this unexpected money would go to--and it wasn't going to be bills! {Eat it, Dave Ramsey!} 

I bought myself a bike!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my fears. One of my greatest--and deepest--fears is the fear of breaking my neck. It was instilled in me from a young age that e v e r y t h i n g had the potential to cause a neck injury: sitting backward in a chair, climbing on the fountain at the mall, and definitely--without exception--riding a bike without a helmet.

I can't explain to you what it did to my insides when I thought about taking this bike out for a spin and not having a helmet. I really can't explain how it felt when I thought about having to call my dad and explain that I rode my bike without a helmet. "Oh, Danielle!" he would exclaim {He calls me by my middle name.}

But, you guys, here I am: conquering my ding dang fears. {Even though those fears are justified by some cold, hard facts, if you ask me.}

So, here's a picture of me from Monday afternoon. Preparing to ride my bike--sans helmet--through the streets. 

I mean, dudes: I even stood on my pedals a few times during this ride. I know, I know, I'm living on the edge.

A little bike help: spokey dokes or playing cards? A wicker basket or a wooden crate? I already have a bell, is it too much to have a bike horn, too?

Praying for Strangers

I think my favorite commitment for Project 365 is praying for others. In light of my recent battle with God, praying for others has been a way for me to talk to God without having to address my stuff (I know, I know... I'll get there eventually). I love praying for my friends and co-workers, taking the time to really consider their needs and the unique situations each are facing. And when I have the time, I love sending a little note in the mail to let that person know I've been praying (an idea inspired by Allison). 

While I find great satisfaction and joy in praying for the people I love, this Sunday at our church's worship night, I had the distinct privilege of praying with and for some complete strangers. As people were invited to come forward for prayer, I let down my armor for a moment and asked God to use me in spite of our little stand off. Thankfully, He obliged, and I was able to pray with a handful of strangers. I heard stories of brokenness and fear. I heard requests for clarity and peace moving into an uncertain future. I held hands that were soaked with tears and trembling from the pain of life. Knowing little more than a first name and a minute long synopsis of their story, together we turned to God in prayer. 

Because Mariners is a fairly large church spread over 4 campuses, the likelihood that I will encounter these people again is slim at best. I will probably never hear how they experienced God's answer to these prayers, or even what coming forward that night did in their hearts. But I can say what it did in my heart. Holding the hands of those strangers, coming together before the same God to ask for peace, clarity, hope, comfort, and healing on their behalf, believing with everything in me that He wants to hear and receive those prayers for those people... well, it reminded me that He wants to hear and receive those prayers from me too. Suddenly, I was face to face with a compassionate God who loves to redeem and restore the broken places in our lives, if only we would let Him in. And that's as true for me as it is for those strangers. 

I'm still not quite there. I'm still wrestling with some of these issues, laying the groundwork for the inevitable surrender that's to come...but I do know it's coming. And I'm a little less mad about it...

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

time study

My first semester of college I had to take this one unit class that was every day for the first week of school.  Every freshman had to take it.  It was at 8a.  Good thing is was freshman year, before I learned that 8 am was an insane hour to have a class.
I remember the class vividly.  The prof was a sharply dressed man in his sixties, perfectly manicured grey/silver beard, round spectacles in tortoise shell.  He asked us to do a time study for the week.  We had to use a chart to color in blocks of time for class, work, and any other commitments.  The goal of his lesson was to give us the visual of unused blocks of time.  And his big message, "Those are the times you block out to study, do homework, write papers, research, and any other class load requirements."  Picture him smiling and clapping his hands on each of the above stated words. 
Studiously I put together my chart, turned it in and received it back with an A. 
The only other thing I remember from that class was a girl that shared emphatically that anyone who travels by bus has no excuse to be late just because they take the bus.  I hear her voice clear as a bell, "Get up earlier, don't be lazy!"  Someone in her world clearly needed to be pressing snooze a few less times.  I hope that worked out for her.
Anyway, fifteen years later, I still approach my schedule this way. 
Well, this is a new year.  I have new boss.  I have new personal goals.  I won't jump ship on the schedule altogether, as it does work for me, but I have been intentional this week for some of those blocks of time to allot for less doing and more being.  Time to reflect, time to dream, write, sketch out ideas and outlines. Take in the spaces and people I am around for what they are and who they are. 
Thank you professor guy for this skill of planning.  Grateful to be using it in a new, unexpected and hopefully productive way.

In other news...
I'm over this cough/cold already. 
I am grateful for my newest Nike Training app. 
I am sad about the doctor that was shot at offices affiliated with Hoag today. 
I am thankful for my husband.
I am hopeful about my health priorities; especially having lost 5 pounds this week. w00t!
I am tired of the competition between great tv and great books.
I am a big fan of all that is to come in the next 90 days.
And, I am still certain that I have more to do in the rest of my life than I can comprehend, but I know God's got it.

xo

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart..

....I'm glad for what I have, that's an easy way to start!

This is the chorus of a Veggie Tales song that has been spinning in my head all week (lets forget the fact that I know the words to a song from a video for five year olds and move on).  As I've been practicing being intentionally thankful everyday I'm starting to see that Bob the Tomato and his BFF Larry the Cucumber sure know what they are talking about. 

It isn't that I had a bad week.  It was pretty good as far as weeks go, it was a little busier than I would have liked, and not great.  I just felt kind of "blah".

So I started making lists of things that I was thankful for. Just two or three things everyday. Some of them were big things, like being able to talk to my sister about my life; and some of them were small and silly like apple sauce in a handy little pouch.  I didn't write a song about them or anything, I'm not that talented, but I was truly thankful for all of them.  And as the week progressed I noticed that my attitude did as well.  Not only was I thankful, I was happy.

Well done Bob and Larry.  Well done.

The Thankfulness Song

I thank God for this day,

For the sun in the sky,

For my mom and my dad,

For my piece of apple pie!

For our home on the ground,

For his love that's all around,

That's why I say thanks every day!

Because a Thankful heart is a happy heart!

I'm glad for what I have,

That's an easy way to start!

For the love that He shares,

'Cause He listens to my prayers,

That's why I say thanks every day!

What would your "Thankfulness Song" today say?

Ice Cream and Brussels Sprouts

While talking to a friend on Thursday, I told her that I'd like my life to be like ice cream.

She was slightly puzzled, so I went on: I have this picture in my head, I said, of a little girl walking in a neighborhood, wearing a summer dress, eating an ice cream cone.

Most days I want my life to feel like that: ice cream is so easy. You buy it, open it and eat it. So cinchy and so tasty.

But, the more I thought about it, I'm not sure that's the way I want my life to be.

I might want it to be more like brussels sprouts.

No kid likes brussels sprouts...I mean, I didn't like them until this year. {Seriously, until 2013. And I didn't know it was plural brussels sprouts until writing this post!}

They begin pretty gross: covered in dirt, some of the leaves have tiny holes in them where they've been eaten away by insects, the stems are uneven and pretty much inedible. They need to be washed, trimmed, maybe peeled a bit, sliced, seasoned and broiled, before they are something that I'm not bummed to be eating.

You see where I'm going with this, right?
I'd still like to spell it out, if that's okay...mostly because I think it's beneficial for my heart.

I think I am more like these sprouts. I'm messy, covered in dirt and tiny holes that have developed over the years. I have pieces that need to be trimmed and peeled away--some need to be completely hacked off. I'll go through hurts and joys and tests and celebrations and failures...and I totally believe that I will be better for it. {read John 15.} I firmly hope and trust that I will look more and more like Jesus with each day.

So, yeah. In theory, I want to have a life that's pre-packaged mint chocolate chip.
But I am so much better off as a broiled brussels sprout.

Farm Fresh

Not unlike many of you, for me this New Year brought a renewed commitment to health. Nestling nicely under the "Becoming Myself" category of Project 365, I'm aiming to weigh less, move more, and ultimately make choices that are more respectful of the body I have and the earth I live on. The specifics of this goal are to cut out as many processed foods and replace them with fresh fruits and vegetables. The problem I've always run into is on the shopping side of things. I buy too much and inevitably forget to factor in all of the meals away from home, leaving me with a ton of rotting produce.

But now, that's not a problem. Two years ago I came across this incredible produce delivery program while I was in the San Francisco Ferry Building: Farm Fresh To You. This incredible service delivers fresh, organic produce right to your door, specific to the season and to your personal preferences. You determine how much and how often you receive your delivery, and their wide array produce packages makes it easy to find the best one to meet your needs. Plus, they provide you with recipe ideas for those unique seasonal fruits and vegetables that you might otherwise not know what to do with.

Do I sound like an advertisement? I swear- I have no affiliation or incentive to push this company, other than my love for it. I love that I have fresh food from local farms delivered right to my door every other Thursday. I love not having to go to the store and gambling on whether I'll eat enough apples to justify buying the bulk bag just to get the discount. I love trying new foods that I would never buy off the shelf. And I love the idea that I'm doing something good for the economy, good for the environment, and good for myself all at a pretty low cost.

Farm Fresh To You isn't the only program like this, but it's definitely one that I recommend. If you have any good veggie recipes- I'd love to hear them!

outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow

I started weight watchers today.
I have done weight watchers before and had success.  Truth is, I have done every program in the book, every fad, every treatment, every kind of food and every kind of option that I am aware exists.
But it's not a food issue at it's core, only at the surface.
It's a heart/head issue.  One in which I have a lot mixed up truths and lies about life and the world and reality and normal.
I have lived most of my life being told to "hold it in", that started at 5 years old in the middle of Mervyn's; or being told that I would not be liked by the "right" boys if I was not thinner; or being told that I was doing great when I stopped eating in the 11th grade.  I had to give inventory of everything I ate from the second I left the house until moment I returned when I went to my father's for the weekend and if I couldn't remember was told I was lying.  There were tears shed when I crossed the 100 pound threshold and told it was embarrassing.  Even after I went to college there were conversations in which I was asked what was wrong with me and why did I pay for a gym membership when it was obvious I wasn't using it. 
So, when I eat now, when I have eaten for the last 10 years, I eat to shut that voice down.  I eat to prove that I can and will eat what ever the hell I damn well please.  I eat because it tastes good and because my inner five year old, and 11 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, and 20 year old is so hurt and angry and sad and frustrated and confused and bitter. 
But all of that has to go now.  With Jesus' help that all has to go now.
I am 35.  I am 35 outside, inside, today, tonight, tomorrow. 
And I am loved and I am valuable, I am courageous and I am worthy.
And I started weight watchers because it meets all kinds of needs I have, at least today.
I love going to a meeting and getting unconditional positive regard from the gal at the scale, whether I lose or gain, she is nice and gentle and encouraging.  I love going and losing because they give me a gold star.  Not figuratively, they really give me a gold star.  And my inner five year old LOVES that little gold star.  When there is a bigger accomplishment they give me ribbons and magnets.  And I love that and I need that.
During the week I get to check box for all the water I am, in all sincerity, happily drinking.
And I get to learn, because I really want to learn, what is good and appropriate and how to balance and how to be good at this.
Good at "this"?
I don't know that I know what "this" is entirely, but I am going to figure it out.
P365, you slay me.  It was supposed to be about water and RAK's.  But here you are, a place for me to find that when I accomplish the tiniest of goals, I am challenged set bigger ones.  For today, that is to be kind to myself.  Not so random, but kindness, nevertheless.

Where do you need to be kind to yourself?

Playing Chicken With God

God and I are in a bit of a stand-off. Yes, I know this is silly. Yes, I know I will be the one to back down. Yes, I get the irony of playing chicken with an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-loving, Creator, Father, and Friend. Nonetheless, here I stand, with my arms folded, a scowl on my face, kicking and screaming and throwing a nice little temper tantrum.

Needless to say, this stand-off has put my first Project 365 goal on hold. For the past week I have not been pressing to know Him more, in fact I've been doing everything I can to get away from Him. There's no need to be nervous for me- this isn't my first rebellion, and I do know how it ends, but I thought I would share a little of where I'm at right now.

Hearing God's voice hasn't been a problem for me in almost 10 years. After experiencing a significant "dark night of the soul", it's all I can do to shut out the sound of His voice. It's always there, whispering, guiding, convicting, celebrating, reminding me of what's true and calling me to what's next. It's that last part that I'm really struggling with right now. There are a lot of "nexts" on the horizon for me, "nexts" that I've sensed coming for a while now, and I'm terrified. I'm scared that I don't have the capacity for all that He's inviting me into. I'm scared I will disappoint or under deliver. And I'm resistant to embrace the good things He has ahead of me when I'm not done being mad at the crappy stuff that I've just gotten past. Ultimately, I believe that God is good. I believe in His plan, and I believe in His calling on my life, and that whatever these "nexts" are, they are a part of that plan and that calling. But I don't want God to be good right now. I want him to be a jerk that deserves my anger and bitterness. I want to feel justified in blaming Him for my pain. And so... we're in a standoff.

Ironically, it's my faith in God's goodness that gives me the freedom to be so stubborn and belligerent. I know and believe that God is waiting for me. I know that He is smiling, biding His time until I break down and come to Him, ready to hear all that He has to tell me and receive all of the comfort and peace that He has to give me; I'm just not ready yet. This verse in Isaiah has been a consistent source of grace during these rebellions of mine:

So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
    so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
    Blessed are those who wait for his help. Isaiah 30:18

It helps remind me of the God who is waiting for me on the other side of surrender, and makes laying down my arms a little less scary. Today, it reminded me that I may actually need His help to come back to Him- that I can't do it on my own. I'm not ready to surrender today- I've still got some sass that's rearing it's ugly head in God's direction, but when I am ready, I'm glad I know what I'll be coming back to.

Wrestling!*

This week has been full of wrestling. Not actual wrestling--though that would fit the Be Active portion of my P365--but mental wrestling. The kind that has been spinning around and around the same topic over and over and over...usually ending with me in tears...both tears of joy and tears of frustration.

I can't seem to get a handle on my identity. Like who I am, really. What or who defines me.

I think--I mean, I'm pretty sure--I knew this at one point, but for some reason I'm learning it all over again.

Right now, I am so caught up in meeting the expectations of others. And therein lies the problem.

More often than not these expectations that I am fighting to meet are not only unspoken, but are also figments of my self-criticizing imagination. I battle the voice in my head {maybe even in my gut} that says I'm not enough: not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not experienced enough {...} to be. in this meeting, in this relationship, in this job, in this friendship {...}

My goodness.

In my worst moments, the thought-process stops here. I drown in my own chaos...and it's really all in my head.

In my better moments {which, thankfully, are more frequent} I'm choosing to wrestle.

These thoughts will. not. win.

In those moments, I fight to remember the things I really want to define me.

When it comes right down to it, I want to be known for three things:
1. Loving God
2. Living in such a way that demonstrates that I believe--to the depths of my core--how much He loves me.
3. Caring for others in a way that shows them how much He loves them, too.

When I can get a grasp on this, I end up in tears of joy. Joy over how much God's love covers all of these shortcomings, how much He grieves over my pain and lack of belief in who He created me to be, over His willingness to fight alongside me to help me to become the full and healthy me.

And so, I keep wrestling...and, thankfully, not on my own strength.

Where in your life are those "voices" winning? How can you take one step toward fighting them with truth today?

*When I say the title of this post, I hear the 0:59 mark of THIS video.

Latest RAK

Where I live, my front door and my neighbors front door are about 12 feet apart.  At least once a week we leave to go somewhere and find that they have placed a tied up bag of kitchen trash outside the front door.  We do it too, put a full trash outside the door to take to the dumpster the next time we walk down that way.
When I see their trash bag sitting like that, I take it.  I walk it down to the dumpster. 
My daughter asked why I did this the first time.  I told her it was nice.  She said that was weird. 
Today when I picked it up, now the third time I've done this, she didn't say anything.  When we got to the bottom of the stairs she asked to take it.  I said she didn't need to.  She jumped up in the air and said she wanted to, that being nice is fun and she wanted to do it today.  I let her because it did my heart good to see her want to participate in this random act of kindness.
This is the latest RAK in our house.  More to come; looking for creative ways to be kind to the world.

Cant Argue with That!

         So here's the thing, being vulnerable isn't just about what I say.  This is, believe it or not, getting easier.  Sharing where I'm at with others and letting them in isn't as difficult as it once was.  It isn't always easy, but it isn't something that I dread either.  What is difficult, and requires just as much vulnerability as pouring out my heart to someone, is allowing them to help me.

 Just writing that fills me with anxiety.  Seriously.

Here's how the story starts.  I left my wallet at home on Friday which means I didn't have lunch money.  Of course I didn't realize this until AFTER I ran around the office telling everyone to stop working because we were going to lunch now.  So when my friend and co-worker, Chris, walked by and I was still sitting at my desk he was suspicious. I finally confessed to him that I wasn't going because I had left all means of buying lunch at home.  And because he is a good friend, his response was no problem, I'll buy.  An offer that I graciously accepted and we all ate and were full and lived happily ever after.  The end.


Not even close.

That didn't happen because the truth is, I don't believe I deserve it.  Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was not worthy of the trouble that needing help would be to other people.  Friends, this is something that I fight EVERY SINGLE DAY.
When my roommate asks if she can pick anything up for me from the store my first response is "nope"  Not because I don't need anything but because asking would cause her too much trouble, too much money, too much time.  And I'm not worth that.
When a co-worker asks if I need help w the load I'm carrying my response is "nope", she's got her own work to do, we are all busy.  And I'm not worth her time. 

So here is how the story ends.  Chris doesn't take no for an answer.  I keep saying no and squirm and decline and come up with excuses and am generally just really uncomfortable and don't leave my desk and think I'm going to win. Until he pulls out the big guns.
       "Project365 Draaaaaay. You have to be vulnerable."
I sit for a minute trying to process this new information and decide if he is right and if this really does fall under the definition of vulnerability and as I come to the conclusion that it does he smiles triumphantly and says,
       "Cant argue with that, can you?"

No, I cant argue with that.

I Like To Move It, Move It

Be Active.

I love how much those two words encompass.

I have been so averse to exercise in the past, mostly because I prefer to come home after work, lay on my couch and read a book...and also because I don't like to be sweaty in the mid-afternoon and either take another shower or {heaven forbid} put regular hang-out clothes on a sweaty body. {yick}

This "active" thing is a horse of a different color. I get to choose anything I want to do to meet that 25 minute "requirement"!

For instance, this week, we {Dre's been really kind to help me meet this goal several times in the last few weeks} have:

• Played Just Dance
• Walked around the lake by our house
• Visited the batting cages
• Washed my car {This doesn't sound active, but you should have seen the dirt...it took me a full hour to clean it and the wheels are still pretty filthy, so I'm counting it}

This afternoon, we're taking our bikes out for a ride around the neighborhood. So fun! {As long as I don't fall and hit my head--an actual fear I have--so I guess this ride will accomplish two of my goals for today!}

Help me out...what are some fun ways I can be active in the next 344 days?

Nerd Alert

I am an avid collector. Not of stamps or butterflies, or socially acceptable things things like records or art. I'm a collector of information. I love random facts, stories of origin, historical trivia, useless statistics- really any information that gives me insight into how people and the world work. One of my favorite ways to acquire this information is through podcasts. In an effort to invest in my intellect I've been consuming an exorbitant amount of podcasts, and loving every fact-filled moment. Here are a few of my favorites:


RADIOLAB:  The RadioLab podcast combines a curiosity of science, philosophy, and sociology with great sound engineering. It's the perfect combination of information and entertainment. The episode on Patient Zero practically had me in tears. It's what I imagine it must have been like in the time when people would gather around their radios and listen to Orson Welles, or CBS Radio Workshop- storytelling at its finest.

Stuff You Missed In History Class: This may be the nerdiest of my indulgences, but I have to say- it makes me so happy. This podcast is one of many put out by Discovery Channel, and it focuses on the stories from history that you probably never heard; the scandals within monarchies, feuds between inventors & explorers, the origins of myths and legends... are you judging me yet? Seriously, it's the best.

Freakonomics: My newest obsession is the Freakonomics podcast. This show looks at the economics behind almost any subject imaginable; parenting, education, food, even garbage. Had I known that economics was so fascinating in high school, it may have had a serious impact on my collegiate studies. Thankfully I've listened to enough episodes to award myself an honorary minor in nerdery.



These podcasts have made my considerable daily commute feel like time well spent. Everyday I learn something new that is completely outside my area of expertise or education- facts and ideas I would never consider without the generous work of these intellectual authorities and storytellers. There are dozens more I could point you to, and probably will at some point, but for now- these three are worth checking out.

Glub, glub

On the topic of my desire to drink water...
I am kicking butt on the 64 oz or more every day.  I have to say, Dre, our friend and Sunday blogger in the project has made this effort so much fun for me because she gave me the coolest water bottle.  It's call the Citrus Zinger.  It lets me put whatever fruit in the bottom and then that fruit infuses into the water and makes it delicious and drinkable.  Honestly, it is the coolest thing ever and I am grateful to Dre for her thoughtfulness and support.
Two days ago the only thing I drank the whole day was water.  I drank enough water to float away.  Five of these water bottles to be exact. 
I think I could even say I like it, even want to drink it, might even crave it. 
I didn't repeat that today, mostly because I wanted a skinny vanilla latte from sbux but other than that delicious treat, I had water.
Water, water, water.
I keep saying it over and over because I am so excited and cannot believe it. 

If you need this awesomeness as much I did, get it here.  And if you get one, let me know how much you love it!

What would be your favorite fruit or fruit combo you would like in your water?

I've lost my marbles!!

In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown (who is amazing and wonderful and I've read everything she's ever written- OK,OK I've read her blog and some of her books-- OK fine, I've read half of one but it is really good! geez, get off my back already) talks about trust being like the marble jar in your third grade class room.
     You remember the one right?  It sat on your teachers desk full of colorful round jewels and promises of pizza parties and no homework.  If the class collectively made a good choice, a handful of marbles was put into the jar.  If the class collectively made bad choices, a handful of marbles was taken out.
Now, here is the important part.  There was nothing that the class could do that was SO good that the whole jar was filled in one swoop.  Just as importantly, there was nothing that the class could do that was SO bad that all of the marbles would be emptied out.

Trust is just like that.

It comes and goes a handful at a time. 

We all have those people in our lives, the ones Brene calls "Marble Jar Friends" they are the ones that know you, that keep your secrets, that love you and include you and share their lives with you.  They give you the space to be vulnerable because trust was built, one handful of marbles at a time.  And if (when) they disappoint you maybe some marbles come out, but the jar is never emptied.  It is always being contributed to by those around you.

This week I got a jar and filled it with some marbles.  It sits at my desk at work so that everyday I can be reminded that in this journey of learning to be vulnerable, I am also learning to trust.  This week I was also more aware of my "Marble Jar Friends" than I ever have been before.  Each day as I was vulnerable with those around me I watched my jar (figuratively speaking) be filled with marbles.  And with each interaction I had the opportunity to be incredibly thankful for that gift. 
Now, its only week two and although my Marble Jar is full this week, I am under no delusions that it will stay that way.  Day 125 might be really difficult because marbles are being removed from the jar. 

I have no idea what the year will bring, what I do know is that I will continue to trust and be vulnerable and my Marble Jar will never be empty. 

Who are your "Marble Jar Friends"?  How did they get their marbles?

More ProjectThreeSixtyFivers

It's been a fun Project ThreeSixtyFive so far!

I feel stretched and challenged each day, but not in a forced-to-do-this-and-it-kinda-sucks way. {Okay, this morning, when I wanted to sit in my pajamas and read, but knew I had to "be active" for 25 minutes and it was now-or-never, it was a little sucky.}

One of my favorite parts of this Project has been hearing from you guys! People who have been following us on Instagram {#projectthreesixtyfive}and here on the blog. You have been so encouraging about our chosen ThreeSixtyFives AND many of you have chosen to take up a Project ThreeSixtyFive of your own!

On Thursday of this week, I received a note from Michelle detailing her P365 challenges. Hopefully we'll have a guest post on her progress soon!

I had lunch with another friend who is still trying to write our more specific challenges so she can join us too!

It's not too late!
Come on and join us!

And, if you do, please let us know by commenting here, or using the hashtag #projectthreesixtyfive

Have I mentioned that I'm excited about this?
Maybe all of exclamation points {!!!} in this post tipped you off...

Just to make it today...

I've been pretty good about praying for others each day, but slightly less good at writing the cards to let those people know I'm praying for them. No shame, but still, I'm hoping to get back on track with that.

Actually, the best part of this section of my P365 plan is the way it is changing my heart and opening my eyes to opportunities to pray all around me. Asking someone if I can pray (out loud) for them is not typically something I'm comfortable doing. But as God is opening my eyes to opportunities to pray, He's also giving me the courage to pray boldly for people, right there in the moment. This week I was able to pray with a beautiful young woman, who came to our church as a part of a research project for the Unitarian Church she's involved in. This vibrant girl is a practicing Wiccan who has been hurt by the evangelical church in the most abhorrent ways. I loved sitting and talking with her, hearing her share her story, and getting to pray God's love over her, exactly how she is.

He presented other opportunities for me to pray for others throughout the week, some prompted by health crisis, others through a kind of prophetic discernment, but every time with a growing sense that I am a part of a spiritual battle being waged around me. I think I often belittle the importance of prayer when I can't see the immediate effects of it, but God is beginning to reveal that his purposes for my prayers go beyond any actual request I'm making.

It's funny how in my mind my 3 goals for P365 were so distinct from one another, when already I'm finding that each one feeds into the others so profoundly. If you need prayer for anything specific, or even not-so-specific, I would love to hear from you, and I would love even more to pray for you!

Some things are harder than others

I have missed my day to write twice because I just don't know what to say.  Then the guilt builds up, I write and post and it goes away. I'm sorry for my delayed posts.

One my my P365 goals is to write.  It is a goal because it is hard.  I don't know why.  Big, bad, scary writing critics might come in the night and gobble me up.  Haha, well, obviously that's ridiculous.  But, seriously, feel so dang real.

But I want to fight this.  I want to write and I can, dang it.

I am drinking my water and affirming people and doing RAK's left and right, but the writing, sheesh.

I am, and only two weeks into this lovely and a bit challenging year, committing to write and write on a schedule.

What is the thing you want the most and find the most challenging to accomplish?

Lies. Lies. Lies. Oh, Lies.

Years ago, I wrote a series of blog posts about my Irrational Fears
{You can read them here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7}

I have always been one who is planning an escape route in each room I enter {you know, just in case} or texting a friend if I'm one of only two or three people in a movie theater {for fear that I might be garroted or abducted--my friend will have a description of the stranger in the theater and, thus, a starting point for the police} or crying on my first day {of junior high, high school, working at Mariners, working on a new team at Mariners} afraid that no one would want to eat lunch with me. {This is for reals...and I probably need to look in to why this is such an issue for me.}

But even with all of that ridiculousness, I would not have labeled myself a fearful person.
Until I started to consider just how many of my daily actions are fear-based.

Not sharing a story about where I saw God move because it might not be as good as I think it is.

Not speaking up in a meeting for fear of looking stupid.

Changing my clothes for a third time because I may have too many colors, too many patterns, look too unkempt for an all-staff meeting day.

Not taking a lunch because I'm afraid that, since that morning meeting ran long, I might appear to have not done any real work today.

And these are just the shallow fears.
{We've got 356 days left for me to get really vulnerable with you.}

I'm realizing that I operate in fear so much more than I would like to believe...or admit.
I'm also realizing that fear is so restricting...and squelching...and exhausting.

And yet.
I'm still caught up in it.
I cried twice today over the same insecurities, fears and lies that I have fought since adolescence -- those that have voices that are way too loud for my own good. Those that contradict so much of what I know to be true of who I am.

And yet.
Chances are, I'll fight those same things over and over again, for years.


But, I'm fighting.
Each day, a little more.

And I'm not alone in the fight: I have some great friends who shout louder than my lies.
Which is, in many ways, more comforting than a friend with starting information for the cops.

Adventures in Woodworking

I know it's only been a week, but this project is kicking my butt. In my quest to intentionally Know God, Become Myself, and Pray for Others each day I've been forced to face my resistances in each of these areas, and challenged to find the joy that I know lies within each of these categories.

This week I've tried to explore a different aspect of how God has created me every day, and my favorite undertaking by far was the creation of a custom bookshelf. A few months back I had the vision for it's design out of some crates I bought at JoAnn's . I got as far as applying a custom stain (made from vinegar, steel wool, and used coffee grounds), but when it came to executing the construction of my design... I was at a complete loss. 

That's when this incredible man came to the rescue. 

Jan is described best by his son-in-law as, "Exactly what people mean when they say 'salt of the earth'." He's right. Jan and his wife Sue are an incredible couple who love each other, love their family, love Jesus, and thankfully, love me. Jan offered to help me with this project, and with his expertise, time, and enviable amount of power tools, my vision became a reality.

Over the 2 days we spent building this together I learned so much about carpentry, wood working, math (although reluctantly), and had great conversations with Jan and Sue. There was something so satisfying in thinking through the structural problems my design presented, coming up with solutions, and coming to understand why this type of work is so fun for Jan. 

 I found myself on the verge of elation with every piece of wood we cut. As the picture I had held in my mind for months became a reality, I was practically in tears. I hate to admit it, but this is one of the few creative projects I've conceived that's seen it's way to completion (as I type this I'm sitting next to an advent calendar that is one piece shy of 25- and yes, it is January). 

Completing this bookshelf was a big step for me in becoming who God made me to be; imaginative, creative, and built with the capacity to complete the tasks I've set my mind to. I have no doubt that this beautiful piece of furniture will hold many books, frames, and knick-knacks in the years to come, and will follow me to many houses, making each one feel like a home. 

*I've written a bit more about the "Becoming Myself" aspect of this experience HERE

"Dear, Lord..."

We got the most lovely dog for our daughter for Christmas.  An English Chocolate Lab Puppy, nine weeks old.  Positively adorable.
My husband picked her up on Christmas Eve afternoon and when my daughter and I arrived home that evening, he had her in a Christmas paper wrapped box, sitting with her head just popping out.
The pure joy on our daughters face was nothing short of awe, wonder, surprise and delight.
It was all that I had wanted for this Christmas, all that I wanted her to experience.
We named her Annabelle, put a pink walking collar on her and went to bed satisfied with our parenting.
Have you caught a breath in the back of your throat?  Or are you grinning from ear to ear?  Good, so were we.
Four days later, first on a walk and then again in the living room, Annabelle pulled back on her haunches, growled and then lunged at our daughter.  Her intent appeared very aggressive, her energy given to this matter not ceasing.  She got a decent chunk out of our daughters leg on the walk and managed to use her arm as a clawing post in the living room.  All this effort included bearing her pearly white teeth and trying to get to our daughter's face.
By Sunday this behavior had doubled in aggression, we put up a baby gate in the hall way to keep our daughter out of harms way and I landed on the couch in a puddle of tears, heart broken but heavily convicted on the matter of being a mom before a dog owner.  I told my husband I was scared of what could take place and that living in anxiety of, not if, when the dog would accomplish getting to our daughters face, that she had to go.
To my surprise, he was relieved and grateful for this conversation.  He met me in my concern and affirmed my desires to let the dog go.  He shared that he didn't know how to begin that conversation with me because, and he was right, I had wanted this dog so badly for the last five years.

So, there you go.  We were a dog family for one week.  We loved her with all our hearts.  And we loved to see her go.

"Dear, Lord..." were words that were said three times as many as the week prior.  The conversations went something like this:
"Dear, Lord, Can you calm this dog?  I mean, wait, do you even care about dogs?"
"Dear, Lord, I want this dog bit to work; could you please send a spirit of calm to this dog when it's around our daughter?  I mean, oh, Lord, these are the cheesiest prayers I've ever prayed to you."
"Dear, Lord, What the hell were we thinking?"
and,
"Wow, Lord, are we as stubborn, curious, slow to learn and adorable to you as this creature is to me?  I mean, really, as complex and dynamic as you made us, made me, do I cause you to feel every emotion, every day?  We must, I must make you feel so many things every day.  In that case, may I have eyes to see and courage to have obedience that I don't currently have, though you've been quite clear in the teaching of it."

I'd have to say this, while the right parent thing to do was return the dog to the breeder, the intentional affirmation in all of this went to Sally.  We doubled our efforts to share that she is our first priority, that her safety will not be compromised by us, so long as we can ever help it. We shared that her moments of beautiful surprise and joy are to be captured in her heart forever and changing ones mind is alright, too. 

What a way to start the year!

P365: Dre

      2012 started with tears. I cried the first 14 days of 2012. For real. The first two weeks straight. 2012 held a lot of tears, and loss, and pain and brokenness but even through all of that I heard God speak to me more clearly than I ever have before.

And I grew.

 Last year, I learned to own my story, even the buried and forgotten parts that brought pain to me and to others. I began, in small ways, to stop believing the lies that had been my truth my whole life.
 Last year, I was broken, so that I may be healed.
This year, will be one of rebuilding, continued healing, grace, and a deep desire to live daringly, without fear. A little over a week ago I had a conversation with my mentor (holla atcha girl!) about this crazy thing that my roommate and a couple of friends were doing. Project 365. She thought it would be good for me, so did I.

So here we go.
For three hundred and sixty-five days I will  

Be intentionally thankful- whether through a thank you card, a conversation, here on this blog or just running up to someone I love and letting them know how thankful I am for them, I will acknowledge how incredibly good God is to me every day by being thankful.

  Eat breakfast-gross. I want to be healthy physically as we'll as mentally. It is after all the most important meal of the day.  

Give something away- I have too much. Time and stuff. I want to live a simple life, one where I am not tied by or to the things I own. So if I have something you want, let me know. It's yours (maybe).

 Practice being vulnerable-this is, besides the breakfast thing, probably the most difficult for me. I'm not really a sharer, but if I learned one thing last year it's that I can't do it alone. I NEED relationships. Deep, meaningful, messy, authentic relationships. This requires the giving of myself, letting others in, and showing up and allowing myself to be seen.
I don't always know what this looks like, and it scares the crap out of me but I'm committed to this because it will help me along to becoming the woman that I was created to be.

 I think this blog is a good place to start. Posting here once a week for the whole world to see feels pretty dang vulnerable. Because I'm not really a writer, and I don't even really like it all that much, and to be perfectly honest, I don't really believe that anyone could possibly care what I have to say. I'm going to say it anyway.

So here we go. Today I ate a banana, gave some pizza and some time to a homeless man, am showing you a little of me, and saying thank you to Allison, Christie and Cathi for allowing me to invite myself into this project and walking beside me through life.

 2013 started with laughter. I haven't cried once allll year (ok maybe once, but they were happy tears)! 2013 will still hold pain and loss and sorrow, but there will also be joy and beauty and grace and love. And through it all, God will speak.

 And I will grow.

Karaoke Salons, Ukulele Solos, and Friendship

Here we are. Day 5 of 365. 1.3% of the way through 2013. 

So far, Project ThreeSixtyFive has been really fun.

My roommate has decided to jump on-board, too {we'll see if we can convince her to guest blog a few times!} and each evening, we have sat in the living room and talked about how we met our goals for the day. 

I share who received a thank you card {Day 1 was to the parents of my friend who let us invade their house on New Year's Eve}

How I was active for 25 minutes {this week, it included a lot of dancing at a Manicure Karaoke Salon--that's a real thing! And, okay this isn't me in the picture, but I was there...and I was dancing and singing. You really can't fault me for posting the one with everyone getting in to "I Will Survive"!} 

How I faced my fears that day. {One day this week, it was taking the elevator up the two floors to my desk without fear of judgement from whomever would be standing there when the door opened.} Another day this week it was sitting in my living room "playing" my new {free!} ukulele while my roommate laughed at me giggling at myself trying to strum "Crazy" by Willie Nelson. Trust me, there's a video coming eventually. 

I'll let Dre {my roommate} share what her Project ThreeSixtyFive entails, but it has already changed our friendship: to hear how God has stretched us, spoken to us, provided opportunities to speak up or speak into someone else's life each day.

And we're only 1.3% of the way through the year!

I have a feeling that Day 240something may feel a little less exciting and a little more daunting...but for now I'm holding on to the success of having completed all four items in three of the last four days. {I was not active yesterday--I took a nap instead. But hey, "Less Shame, More Celebration!" I say!}

It's not too late to jump on-board. Please let us know if you do!

A Guide To Prayer

As I mentioned before, I don't really do well with set routines or confining structures. I’m at my best when I have my choice of all the toys on the playground, as long as I know where the sandbox walls are. For Project 365, Knowing God, Becoming Myself, and Praying for Others are the sandbox walls, but the specifics of each day will have to vary if I have any chance of seeing this through for a year.

Thankfully, when it comes to Knowing God I have a lot of toys in my arsenal. Today, I turned to one of my favorite devotionals for some direction: A Guide To Prayer For Ministers And Other Servants. The book follows the weekly of the Common Lectionary and includes an Invocation, Psalm, Daily Scripture Reading, Reading For Reflection, Hymn, and Benediction. I was first assigned this book in college (which immediately made me resistant to it), but over the years I've been drawn back to the rhythm and pace it creates in devotion. I admit there have been times that I merely went through the motions of the readings, but this morning I was struck by the immensity that all over the world people were seeking Him through the same passages, praying the same invocation, and meditating on the same readings. Somehow God became so big and so small in the very same moment. It was in that moment that I found Him today; realizing that all of these people are loved by the same God, and that He longs to meet with them as eagerly as He does me. Suddenly I became so small, and so grateful. 

It was this phrase from 2 Peter 1:6 that stuck with me today, and I hope it will stick with you as we enter this new year: "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead..."

P365: Allison

I'm a list-maker.

I love to write things down to ensure that I don't forget. Don't forget the things I need to do--or the things that I have done.

I love to make a task list and, more often than not, include a few things that I have already done so I have the instant gratification of crossing things off of my list. Sort of a, "You're already productive! Keep going! You can do it!"

I also love to keep lists as a means of reflection: the 100 Books I read between my 26th and 30th birthdays; the Christmas gifts I might make for family members next year; the song lyrics that I have sung hundreds of times, but one day struck me or moved me to tears. I love to go back every few months and read through the things that I have seen or felt or accomplished.

Frequently appearing on such lists {both types, actually} is gratitude. Moments I experienced overwhelming gratefulness or people to whom I owed an expression of gratitude {note or gift card} litter the lists on my phone and laptop.

I began to consider what it might be like to write 365 thank you notes in 365 days. It seemed {and still seems} a bit overwhelming, but in a really great way.

And, so, Project365 was born.

Here's what I'm committing to do everyday for 365 days:

Be Grateful: I will write 365 Thank You notes in 365 days. I believe that my heart will be stretched as I seek words to articulate my gratitude toward the people in my life. I also believe that people love to receive mail, so it's really a win-win.

Be Active: Move around for 25 minutes each day: dancing, running, stretching, biking, roller skating...no sweating or calorie counting required...though it's also not prohibited. Just movement for at least 25 minutes.

Be Expressive: I love to write, but get a little caught up in my own head, {"how could anyone possibly be interested in this?"...which is tied in to my fourth P365} but this year, I am hoping to blog {either on this blog or my personal blog} or journal once-a-day to record my thoughts and feelings and stretch my writing muscle.

Be Bold: Everyday I will do something to push past my fears: asking a question about a political or financial term I am embarrassed to admit that I don't understand, speak-up in a meeting in which I feel like my voice doesn't carry any weight, practice playing an instrument that--much to my chagrin--I don't already play with incredible skill. Something that would be easily, but to the detriment of my self-confidence, ignored.

I am really looking forward to Project 365. I'm excited to begin, and record the progress, but I think I am most excited to see who we are at the end of this process. I'm anticipating lessons and tears and unmet expectation and exceeded dreams and a heck-of-a-lot of life-change.

I hope you'll consider joining us. Please let us know if you do.

P365: Cathi

A friend asked me a great question this Christmas: If I could design an ornament that represented 2012, what would it be? The image surfaced in my mind as clear as day. “An earthquake,” I replied. Seeing the puzzled look on his face I did my best to explain.

2012 was a year of unexpected shake-ups; 6 months of foreshocks and small tremors (some scary, others wonderful and exciting) leading up to “The Big One.” This quake took me completely by surprise and managed to displace… well, everything. I spent the next 6 months rebuilding, redefining, and re-imagining my life, albeit without much intention or direction. In all of my prayers for answers and epiphanies- something to help me make sense of it all- God’s voice continued to bring me back to three things- three things that were to mark the next season of my life; Know God, Become Myself, and Pray.

I was frustrated. I wanted more, something profound, some revelation that would be as earth shattering as the pain I was sitting in. But as I kept hearing the call to these three things, I realized that my resistance ran deep.

I was scared to come close to the God who had answered all of my prayers, given me everything my heart had ever desired, and allowed it all to fall away. I was even more scared to consider whether it was Him that took it away.

I was terrified to step into the fullness of myself, the self that is grounded in Jesus. How will I guard myself against failure, success, and disappointment without all the excuses conveniently found in my false-self? Prayer may not seem like a resistance-worthy task, but truthfully God asked me to pray for one particular person. And while there are days the prayers flow from the purest, most honest place in my heart, there are also days when I have defiantly relied on the groaning of the Holy Spirit to do the work for me.

The last 6 months, I reluctantly pursued these God-given tasks. It’s quite pathetic, really, to be given a calling from God and just tiptoe around it making excuses because it doesn’t seem extravagant, grand, or romantic enough. I felt stuck between my desire to follow and obey God and the resistance that burned inside me, keeping me from Him, myself, and ultimately, the healing I knew He had in store for me. Then Allison approached me about Project 365. I knew that I couldn’t commit to anything that didn’t fall under these 3 God-mandated categories. I also knew it was just what I needed to move at this calling with conviction and purpose.

Being that I am someone who hates (HATES) being confined, even by mechanisms of my own creation, I’ve set up my Project 365 to work for my spontaneous personality and need for variety and change.  For 365 days I am committed to:

Knowing God: There are a variety of ways that I connect with Jesus, the important thing for me is that I do it with intention every day. Time set aside to be with God, just me and Him.

Becoming Myself: There are a lot of lies I live in that keep me from stepping into the fullness of who God made me. Every day I will do at least one thing from a list (which I'll publish here soon) that is in line with the truth of who I am. I hope that in the year ahead, this list will evolve, as the truth starts to overtake the lies and I become aware of new facets of myself.

Pray: While I remain committed to praying for this one particular person, I’ve found in the last 6 months that praying intentionally for others has opened my heart in profound ways, giving me compassion and grace that I sometimes struggle to find. Perhaps my most “confining” commitment, I will send a prayer via mail to someone every day (combining my call to prayer and my obsessive love of beautiful stationary & notecards).

The truth is I’m sure 2013 will hold some more unexpected aftershocks and maybe even some new earthquakes, but I’m excited for this year. I’m excited to know God more intimately and trust Him more fully. I’m excited to explore my story, who I am and how God has uniquely shaped me to contribute to His Kingdom on earth. And I’m excited to be used by God to pray for the people He loves. I’m excited to enter other peoples’ stories, to share in their joy and pain and to learn what they know of God.  And I’m excited to share all of this with you, both at Our Project 365 and at All Things Grow. Please let us know if you decide to do a Project 365 of your own!

P365: Christie

Happy New Year, Readers.  2013 is upon us and being that I just turned 35 on Dec 24th, I will say it is my year to be 35 and Alive!

There are a few things that I have set myself up to succeed in this year.  I asked for Ninja Blender for my b-day/Christmas present from my mom and grandma and I got it.  Even as I write this post I am drinking a Kale, Spinach, fresh squeezed OJ, Frozen Strawberry and Banana smoothie.  It's delicious.  I like vegetables, but I don't love them.  I wish I did, but they are more a committment than, let's say, cookies, which I never have a problem eatting.  Anyhow, the set up for success is that I get Kale and Spinach in my self every day, first thing: cup of decaf joe while I get ready and a Garden Smoothie while I go to work.  Easy.  If you don't have a good blender and want to try this amazingness, you can pick one up at the smoothie bar at Whole Foods.  Often it's called the Farmers Market or you can have them make it to order.

Other areas I have set up for success would be the darling puppy, chocolate lab, that we got our daughter for Christmas.  She is adorable and needs to be walked, a lot.  Since I want to be doing a lot more walking, she is the perfect addition to our family, because it's forced, whether at noon or 2am.  (Not sure my personal exercise plan would include a 2am walk, but she's totally worth it and once out the door, I can find a happy place about it.)
I have found some beginners Yoga in the tv and filled up my queue with episodes that I have done off and on in the last 3 months.  Yesterday I bought an official Yoga mat, pink, and will put it to use later today.

An area that I have wanted to be more disciplined in is writing.  I love to write.  I have a lens in my brain that sees most of my world in chapters that ought to be in a book, or illustrations of concepts that I believe in.  Yet, when I sit down at the computer to write, I often stare at a blank screen.  I will write a sentence or a few sentences and then edit, edit, edit until I delete and am back to the blank screen.  At some point that is dumb and I walk away.  But I want to write with all that's in me.

About a month ago I was walking by my friend Allison's office and she asked me to come in.  I sat down at her kitchen table desk, which I love, and she started talking to me about Project 365.  How there would be a blog with different voices; each of us committing to 3 things we want to do every day for 365 days, starting January 1st.  I was excited!  "Of course I want to be a part of it," I said.  I told her I needed to think about my three things and I would get back to her.  I thought about it like this.  I need to pick something challenging, I need to pick something easy, and I need to pick something fun.  This year I committ, via project 365, to:
Challenging
Drink at least 64oz of water every day.  Water, blech.  Why drink water when I can drink a delicious and nose tickling Diet Coke?  Ugh, I know I need to drink water and that Diet Coke is making my bones brittle and something about formaldahide for the brain tissue.  Honestly, I'm not in a place to give it up altogether, but I am willing to commit to at least 64oz of water every day.  In a perfect world, I would be a decaf, smoothie, wine and water drinker when this is all said and done, but I am not there today.
Easy
Give a verbal affirmation to someone in person or do a random act of kindness (RAK) every single day.  I want to say meaningful things to people more often than I do.  I think nice things about people all the time and now I want to be intentional about circling back and to tell the person what I think about them or what they did or how they made me or someone else feel.  Or, I want to do a RAK that makes someones life better.  With this in mind for the last couple of weeks, I've already started this where I see applicable opportunity.  We went to get the mail the other day at our clutter box and someone had left their keys in their box.  Nobody was around in any direction, so I locked the mailbox, and walked to the apartment that matched the box number.  The guy that answered the door was surprised and said, "Thank you."  And on my way I went.  I suppose that the keys would have been there for him once he realized it, but it was no problem to walk them over to him, which is most definitely what I would want someone to do for me.
Fun
My fun will be blogging 2-3 times a week.  About whatever.  Having fun with writing again, not really worrying about it the way that I painstakingly do.  Sheesh, just write already.  I will put stuff on here and stuff on my personal blog: www.christiefarley.typepad.com You'll notice I've had the blog a while but somewhere along the way I got bit by the fear bug and it changed to recipes and lists, ie: safe.  But totally boring.  No more.  I will write and it will be fun.

So there you go.

Oh, who am I?  I'm Christie Farley.  35; married; daughter; dog; fish.  Work at a big o' church in the OC.  Love Jesus, love people, love a good book, love a cheesy book, love chips & salsa, love to give outside the house and be splendidly introverted inside the house.  Hate raw tomatoes, hate sunburns, hate laundry.  I'm looking forward to this year of all that's above and whatever adventures are around the corner.